An ultrasounding “Ugh”

I had my first checkup/yearly appointment last week with my OB/GYN since the surgery. I was a little disheartened when I had to remind him of what my story was, but I understand he has a ton of patients and can it can all get a little foggy.

After a talk and review we decided I ought to have an ultrasound to check things out and make sure nothing else was going on. If I got an all-clear, maybe we could do a dye test in a couple of months and see if all my parts were still open and ready for baby-making. I do love my little blonde babes…

Yesterday was my appointment, and not 1 minute into the procedure had passed before a nice big round blob appeared on the screen. I think I heard the technician sigh. She knew I was hoping for a nice happy uterus and ovary and to be sent off with happy baby-making wishes.

I have, what looks like, a 5cm endometrioma. Not to be confused with the 9cm serous cystadenoma I had previously removed. It looks like it is hanging out with my left ovary. You know, the only one I have left. I don’t really want to say more about it because at this point it is all just speculation and an image on the screen. My doc was out of the office yesterday and today so I won’t be able to talk to him about it till next week.

I’m pretty sure I’m having another surgery.


I want to say that it is okay. “Just one of those things”, is what I told my mom. It’s true. I believe that. It’s just one of those crappity crap crap sucky a$$ things that happen to people. To be honest, I’m getting better at this. I didn’t completely go over the deep end this time. Just a few tears in the technician’s room (I think I hid those pretty well). A couple swelled up on the walk to the car when I finally got out of the damn building with all the damn people and put my sunglasses on.

A couple of tears might have fallen. But mostly. I’m just getting numb.

Numb, after realizing that my baby-making days are long behind me. My body is sick. I don’t know what I have to do to fix it. Did I not eat enough vegetables? Should I have been taking my vitamins daily since I was 12? Do I drink too much? Am I not getting enough sleep? Should I give up caffeine? Do I lie too much? Should I be a nicer person?

What the eff was I supposed to do? I shrug my shoulders and sigh, because I won’t ever know. This is just it. This is just what my life is.

And like I said. I’m getting better at it.

On a side note – I would appreciate any women that has had anything similar, or has had a partial or full hysterectomy to give me a little of your story (the doc has said before that this might be coming). I private message on Facebook or an email would be great if you don’t want to comment. I’m starting my research. Thanks.

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5 Responses to An ultrasounding “Ugh”

  1. The Brother says:

    Your body is not sick. You are strong. You are just entering a different era.
    Be strong and remember I love you. You can can overcome all things because you have done so already.
    We’re by your side!

  2. Lisa says:

    I agree with The Brother. Love you!

  3. Beth says:

    You are a good woman. You are a strong woman. And you did NOT do this to yourself. So sorry you are going through this rough patch.

  4. Kenzie S. says:

    Hello, I don’t know you and you don’t know me, but i stumbled onto your blog from a post another band director had on face book to your “why i teach band” post. I cried thru that post because so much of that was exactly like my journey through band and becoming a band director. i decided i would skim your page because you are a fantastic writer and we seemed to have a lot in common. Then i saw these posts about your cysts and everything and my heart literally stopped. I am a second year band teacher and have had two surgeries to remove cysts off my ovaries, and the second surgery i lost my left ovary. that cyst was pre-cancerous, though the doc said it looked so bad, he thought it was full of cancer when he opened me up. On top of that they have also found endometriosis, and i have had a diagnosis of PCOS since i was 17 and so we thought children would never be in our story. i can absolutely relate to you feeling like every tiny twinge and pain is another cyst, because i spend my life in fear. my first doctor refused to do a sonogram about 6 months after my first surgery when i came back complaining of pains “down there” and by the time he caught it, it was so huge my ovary was toast (needless to say we found another doctor, a specialist, to oversee my care). I can relate also to you feeling like something is wrong with your body. i went into the deepest depression of my life when I lost that ovary. I have never felt that low before in my life, and i’ve been to some pretty extreme lows. i spent weeks doing nothing but crying and shaking. i couldn’t talk because i felt like i was being punished. (my cysts have all been cystadenoms) On top of that, my sister suffers the same fate, but she lost all her reproductive organs to endometriosis less than 3 months before my first surgery and my diagnosis of endometriosis. she never had children. My sister and I have spent many hours crying together over this feeling of brokenness and emptiness. it hurts me deeply to think about those weeks after I lost the ovary and how dark they were. I want you to know you are not alone, and that there are people out here who know the kinds of things you are dealing with and how difficult they really are to cope with. I have retyped this note three times, because there are many things I want to say, but it is hard to put it into writing. I intend to follow your blog and see how your most recent news turns out. I wanted also to share with you our little miracle baby is on the way. I hope that you see this and if nothing else it makes you feel a little less alone. good luck with your surgery and I hope that you will have a great school year when you get back into the swing of things.

  5. Jim Knight says:

    Loved your band director story. I have just retired at 44 years of being the band director. I am now working part time with the guys in Homewood Alabama. Still love the band folks! I hope I have some of these stories with the students I have taught.
    Jim Knight

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