The low place

It came to me today. The low place that I hadn’t quite reached yet.

It surprised me, because I thought I was past it. I thought I had accepted it. Then, a friend posted a picture of her new baby boy on Facebook. She has two little girls, like me, and was recently blessed with a son.

It covered me like a blanket, my grief. The pictures of the children I still wanted swirl around in my mind. We had names for them. The son, Michael Jonah, or the next beautiful girl, Stella Mae. We tried so, so hard for them. I would like to think that we are good parents. I would like to think that we have given Abby and Savannah a complete and loving life so far in their short lives. It took three months to get pregnant with Abby and only one for Savannah. Jerod held a baby on Christmas and looked at me with a longing smile and by the end of January I was pregnant with our youngest. I thought for sure I would have no problem having more. We waiting a little longer for the 3rd because Savannah was such a handful. It makes me wonder now if it would have mattered. I wonder if we should have stair-stepped them out and dealt with the stress of 3 young babies. At least then, I would have them all.

I feel incomplete.

We stopped trying in 2010 when I was diagnosed with melanoma. We didn’t resume until I was sure I wouldn’t have to undergo cancer treatments. We tried. Months and months. A positive test. So many dreams. So exciting. A miscarriage. So heartbreaking. A cyst. A surgery. Healing. Hope. Try again. Another cyst. Another surgery. All my chances are gone.

And now I am not whole.

I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I am mourning a dream. I’m not 34 until the 27th of this month. Both of my sisters got pregnant for the first time in their late 30’s. Unwed teenagers get pregnant with unwanted children every day. Why is this my path? It’s frustrating and maddening and ultimately just sad. I’m sad.

Do I need a new hobby? Do I need a new puppy? Do I need to finally go get my horse ranch? Do I delve into fitness and become a triathlete?  I have a void that I must fill.

I don’t want to be told to “be thankful that I have my two children”.

I don’t want to be told that “it’s God’s will”.

I don’t want to be told anything, really. I just need to speak my grief, so that I don’t have to hold it inside anymore.


***edited to say that once I posted this, I felt guilty. I don’t want special attention and I know that I am not the only one that has gone through this. I write through my grief with my blog. I don’t like talking about it. I write, and I feel better.

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15 Responses to The low place

  1. arushton1013 says:

    Juli my heart breaks for the grief you’re feeling right now. I know the struggles of infertility and I have experienced the devastation of a miscarriage. It pisses me off to see teenagers getting pregnant every time they look at a guy. Or when parents treat their kids like crap or complain about them with every breath. I’m so sorry that things are not working out how you dreamed and planned. I know there are no words that can comfort you but I’m sending big virtual hugs.

  2. krisi says:

    Julie, I’m not saying it would fill your void but even you said it, “unwanted babies”. There are babies out there who need the love you need to give. Just a thought.

  3. dgalang says:

    I’m not going to tell you I know how you feel and what you are going through. You are an amazing person and have accomplished so much in your 34 years and you’ve just begun. It is early, but I can tell you have a lot to offer a child in need when and if the time is right. Keep yourself grounded and surround yourself with your loved ones during your healing process.

  4. Mackenzie says:

    I’ve posted on here once before. I know that I don’t understand the depth of your hurt, but have watched someone I love go thru it and the fear of losing my hopes weighs heavily on my heart. I just want to say thank you for sharing your struggles, not many are that brave. and also to say that I know no one can make the pain or void better, but I wish I had something more comforting to say. Hang in there.

  5. Robert Killian says:

    I have known grief, despair, and loss. Not like yours, but my own set of circumstances and thoughts you are experiencing. Think not what you can do to fill your loss. Try to fill others’ loss. Ask God what you can do to help Him on this earth for others. The feeling of your loss wil abate in time. Your feeling of loss will never go away but the feelings you are having will be less painful in time. Not in a short time but in time.
    God will help you through this time. He promises. He has and He will. You are in my prayers. God bless from another Bless Your Heart band director. Robert

  6. Lee Brossette says:

    I don’t even have a clue as to what your feeling. I do know this, you’re a great band director and pretty super at everything else. We do have one thing in common – band kids. Those kids need us just as much as we need them. The kind words we give may be the only ones they hear. Our classroom is their refuge from a host of bad things. Those band kids need your love just as your children need your love. Don’t stop being you.

  7. Lisa says:

    You keep telling us how you are feeling. As you said, you talk (write)–and you are heard. That’s so important, to be heard. I do understand a bit. Maybe someday I’ll tell you about it. I care and I am listening. Love you lots.

  8. Southernrkennedy says:

    Juli, you have such a special gift with words. I love reading your blogs because they are so real and so heartfelt. I wish that I had the ability to touch others as you have and continue to do with your words. I’ve always admired that about you. Write, write, write!!! Write a book!!! I’ll be one of the first standing in line to read it, I can assure you!!!! Love ya, girl!!

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