My Abusive Relationship (with Facebook)

I have recently realized my #1 reason why I don’t blog as much as I did in 2009-2012. It seems that nowadays, anytime I have a thought or moment that I would like to share, I make a short summary on a Facebook status update and then, done.

Or, I spend an hour (ok, sometimes longer), mindlessly thumbing through my newsfeed and refreshing it, hoping something new and entertaining will be there, this time, to stimulate me. I make sure I know what’s going on in as many people’s lives as possible, so that I don’t miss giving an important thumbs up or a short comment to let them know that I am not a selfish witch and that I truly care about them.

It’s never-ending.

It’s especially never-ending for someone like me, who is a sneaky diary reader. Yes, I know. I am a terrible human being. Moving on…

Facebook is like reading someone’s diary ALL THE TIME. All hours of the day, there are celebrations and dirty laundry right there for the pickin’. I just eat it up. I just like looking into other people’s lives.

I used to say that I didn’t watch TV very much because, “why watch other people live their life when I have my own?”.  I still don’t watch very much television, but social media has became a different animal. It’s a drug that I must get a fix of everyday. Every hour.

I open my laptop and the first thing that happens is my left hand types “Fa” in the search bar. That’s usually enough to pick up the Facebook.com link in the cache and I’m on my way for another 20 minute time suck. 20 minutes doesn’t seem that bad, but after I turn it off and start a new activity, I usually think of something I want to look up or research so I go to my laptop again.

Boom. “Fa” in the search bar before I think.

Too. Much. Facebook.

Too. Much.

And, it’s never enough.

I’m not enough. I’m not doing enough. I’m not liking enough. I’m not progressing my life enough. I’m not saying Happy Birthday enough. I’m not participating in the online sale enough. I’m not going to events enough. I’m not getting likes enough. I am misunderstood. I am judged for not being there. I am observed liking things. I don’t like things because I know everyone will see it and I don’t want them to. I don’t want to see this ad. I don’t want to see this ad. I don’t want to see this ad. WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR PRESIDENT?! #NEVERTRUMP #NEVERHILLARY You don’t care enough. You don’t have enough compassion. You aren’t raising your kids right. I feel bad when I see your posts. Give to this fundraiser. Give to this fundraiser. Why are you posting about your husband, again? Stop humble bragging. Stop complaining. Stop trying to be funny. Stop taking selfies. Stop showing off your kids. Be funny. Did you get my invitation on Facebook? Why are you not on Facebook right now?

It’s just so overwhelming, and it really shouldn’t be. Sometimes it’s not. Somedays I get to see an interesting video of a National Park that I didn’t know about. Or maybe someone shares a major life change of some sort. Mostly, it’s just junk mail. An abusive relationship with something that takes and takes and takes and makes me feel like shit almost every day.

Today marks the second full day of my Facebook account being deactivated, once again. I have done this many times before. Maybe one day I will delete the whole thing (they make you wait 2 full weeks without logging on before you can delete), but for now the deactivating helps. My mind goes quiet. My spirit gets stronger. I go do things that I want to do.

Yesterday I got up on a whim and told my daughter to throw some shoes on and meet me outside. We played one-on-one basketball in the driveway and had the best time. I’ve read more of my magazines in my huge stack  and a few chapters of a book I am working my way through (my attention span is not long enough for books right now!)

Today I took my daughter to dance rehearsal and instead of killing time staring at my phone while I waited for her, I went kayaking. I haven’t been since… I don’t know… May?

I watched a great blue heron catch a catfish and fly away with it while a great egret watched and fussed at him.

I watch dozens of turtles splash into the water, off of their sunbathing log, when I got too close. Their little faces peeked out of the water as they swam around in circles, looking to see if the coast was clear.

I watch a kingfisher fly proudly down the bayou, calling it’s rattle call so everyone would know it was there. Much like this one.

I came along a glorious old oak tree whose branches stretched out twice as far as any tree around it.

unnamed

I watch two ducks try to hide from me by darting under the water and swimming away until they quietly popped back up 100 feet away.

It was all there on the water. The muddy brown cold water that drifts by the highway every day. I’m glad I stopped everything to be there this evening.

I’m glad I wasn’t on Facebook, trying to see if my life matched up with everyone else’s.

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